i don't know where to begin in writing about this, but for some reason i felt it was important to have my testimony on a website all about me. God is a hugely important part of my life and has done some incredible things for me so far - if i wasn't to include that somewhere this site wouldn't really be complete.

Where to start? If you've read my biography then you already know a little bit about me, as i am now. What you don't know is the me of the past. 

i had a really great life growing up - i have an amazing family, loved every minute of school until 3rd year and was always surrounded by a large group of friends. Okay, i was never the most popular girl in the world, but i always felt liked and had plenty self-confidence to go around.

All that changed, however, when i was about 14 or 15. It's quite hard to tie it all together & pin it down into words because a lot of it's a blur, but somewhere along the line i started to lose all the things i thought i could rely on. The friends i adored started drifting away from me, each for their own reasons, and i felt abandoned and alone. Girls i'd previously gotten along with started turning against me and the comments they directed at me, both to my face and behind my back, really knocked my confidence and lowered my opinion of myself.

i couldn't see any reason why this was happening. To me, the only explanation seemed to be that i was a bad person who deserved everything she got. i started to believe that i was a worthless human being - i'm ugly, i'm fat, i'm useless, i'm a burden to my family, i don't deserve their love, i never do nor saying anything right and i don't deserve to be alive.

Eventually, thinking like that drove me straight into depression.

i tried for a long time to pretend that there was nothing wrong, but it didn't work. Even school wasn't a big enough distraction anymore and, in the end, i resorted to other methods to cope.

For the months and years that stretched ahead i found myself trapped in a shameful circle of self-harm, turning razor blades, scissors & anything else i could possibly use into both a means of punishment and a method of release.

Hurting myself in that way, for a reason i still don't understand, just seemed to make everything disappear. Whatever was going on in my mind, whatever i'd been dealing with that day, whatever i was feeling right then - it would all just disappear in an instant haze of endorphins that (ironically) made the pain stop.
The problem was, though, that it never stopped for long enough. The feeling of release would vanish just as quickly as it came, leaving me with an overwhelming concoction of feelings - the original thoughts, blended with some added guilt and shame - to drown in.

Having to lie to my friends and family in order to conceal my secret and its scars didn't help matters either and life came to revolve around a cycle of embarrassment, depression and pain, that eventually became too much to handle.

On the 27th July 2004, i decided that i just couldn't handle it anymore, overdosed on some sort of painkiller cocktail, lay down in bed and waited for my problems to be exchanged for death.

Unfortunately for me, the exchange never quite took place and i woke up the next morning to the most violent sickness i've ever experienced. i spent a night in a hospital bed and ended up questioned by psychologists, therapists and counsellors of varying types as a result.

In the end i was referred to a psychiatrist of me very own (!), with whom i had regular appointments for well over a year. But none of it helped. i was still experiencing the same thoughts and feelings, still resorting to self-harm and still wishing i was dead. Nothing had changed.. it was just that a few more people knew about it.

Somewhere in amongst the insanity of psychiatry appointments, however, i found my way to the Salvation Army, having not been in a church since Sunday School years earlier. i started helping out at a kids club on a regular basis and began attending their youth group, Driven, with my friends.

If i'm honest, i was never really interested in the God-factor to begin with. It was just good fun - a chance to laugh and enjoy myself amongst people with a great knack for making anyone and everyone feel welcome and wanted.

In July 2005, i took part in an event called Reach Out and spent the week with the rest of Driven, staying in the church hall and carrying out random acts of kindness throughout our town.

At a meeting on the opening evening, the verse "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!" was read from Isaiah 43 and something inside me just clicked. It was then that i realised that although i hadn't been interested in God, he'd been interested in me all along and had somehow managed to break through my barriers and work his way into my life.

Through that verse and others read throughout the week, i felt God speaking to me, telling me to let go of all the things i'd struggled with in the past. i wasn't even sure i believed in God before that week, so this was huge. Something was definitely happening.

Half-way through the week i decided to talk about what was going on and, on the 20th July 2005 (one week short of the anniversary of my attempted suicide), i prayed for forgiveness and asked God to fully enter my heart and life.

And to this day that remains the best decision i've ever made.

i'm not going to pretend that it's been plain-sailing since then, because it doesn't work like that, but things are totally different now. It's amazing how much can change in a year.

Because of God, i'm a completely different person to the one i was before. The self-harm has decreased because He's given me better alternatives; my confidence has been boosted because of the people He's placed around me and the situations He's put me in; and the self-loathing i once experienced is no longer as intense because i know that i am His and He loves me.

Over the last year i've grown into my own skin and done so many things i never thought i would. Who would have imagined, a year ago, that i'd be sitting here writing this now, never mind giving my testimony both in my own church and at a youth centre in New Deer! And that's nothing compared to the idea of me moving all the way to Glasgow for a Christian college!

i know in my heart that i wouldn't be the person i am today if it wasn't for God and i truly believe that each of us really can "do all things through Christ who gives me strength." There's no other plausible explanation for the way my life has turned out.

And that's what i want to share - that's what i want to scream from the rooftops and help young people to believe. God loves you and no matter what situation you've found yourself in, He has a solution and a plan for you. He's bigger than all of it; no matter what.

Look at me, for goodness sake!